I've been gone so long and there's much to tell you, but frankly, you're probably not that interested in the minutea of my last week. Camp was wonderful - I love teenage girls, always have. I used to teach high school, you remember, so I feel comfortable with that age demographic. They are funny. They giggle - a lot. They take themselves very seriously. And apparently they really do all love Edward Cullen - go figure. I convinced them to join me in building a four-teir people-pyramid รก la cheerleader style along with a camp cheer and crowd pleasing facials; I find if all else fails, few girls will turn down the opportunity to build a human pyramid. And I wasn't even a cheerleader, but my drill team skillz came in handy nonetheless.
On Thursday I'm off for four days to Virginia for a major slew of meetings and cocktails parties. I get to pack up all my "business casual" and enjoy a plane ride in each direction. I've said it before: No mama is going to complain about flying to a 5-star resort hotel for morning yoga, haute cuisine, a deluxe gym and pay per view. Oh, and some meetings, natch.
On my final note, I found a little something I want to share:
"Everyone of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job... And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another - that is surely the basic instinct... Crying out: High tide! Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take this life for what it is."
-Barbara Kingsolver, from High Tide in Tucson
And there it is: Rabbit number 2. I am not afraid of snakes, rodents, witches or heights. I'm not afraid of new foods, new countries, new people or social settings. I'm not afraid of getting old, I'm not afraid of homosexuals, I'm not afraid of Muslims, and I'm not afraid of nuclear bombs or global epidemics. But I'm very, very, very afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of all the new things I want to try but may suck at. I'm afraid of all the ways I will fail in the future. I'm afraid of the friendships that will have awkward moments, I'm afraid of the trials my family will face, and I'm afraid of the ways my kids will mess up their lives at some point. I'm afraid of being poor, terminally ill, and lonely. I'm afraid of my mother dying, my children dying, my husband dying, my sister dying. I'm afraid of my guinea pigs dying, even though I will them to daily, because I'm afraid of my kids having to deal with death, firsthand, for the first time.
All this fear can't be healthy, therefor I'm willing myself to stop being afraid. There is so much living I shy away from because I don't know if I can be the best, or at least really good at something new I want to pursue. There is a litany of scenarios that keep me up at night because I'm terrified of how I'll survive if ________ happens. In the end, there's no stopping __________. It's coming, whether I like it or not, but somehow, we all lift up our twirly drirt hems and wade out into the sea foam, hoping for the best, all the while terrified. In the end, more times than not, we make it back to the shore in one piece - the salt water in our hair and the gulls screeching, and we feel more alive than ever.
8 comments:
Amanda...I am that girl. I lay at night and wonder, and worry and cry, until I finally take a sleeping pill of some sort. I hate change. I hate not knowing. I hate the newness of things, even if they are amazing. I need help. I loved the quote you posted. You are the bomb.com. Oh and there is going to be an award ceremony in your honor for never having missed a single episode of the bachelor or bachelorette. That is amazing.
Oh my god ME TOO. I had a panic attack last night - for like the third time in my life - laying awake thinking some of those exact same thoughts. I don't know how people get through life without fearing those same things. I mean seriously - once I had a child, fears took on a whole new meaning in my life.
Do you have mantras or something you're going to use to try and replace the negative thoughts? That's what I do, and last night it finally worked, after about an hour. I went to sleep at peace, and willed myself to sleep through the night without waking up in the middle of the night scared, and it worked. Thankfully.
But for the record, I'm TERRIFIED of snakes and bugs. Even though I love camping. Go figure.
(in that picture, is that the dress up top? or are you wearing a tee shirt under it too?)
ps - this was a beautifully written post. Sea foam... loved it.
Not many people cherish teenage girls and their typical characteristics! You're a special kind of lady! I'm in SW Virginia - I'll wave to you wherever you are in the state :)
The dress is basically a mid-calf skirt with w waistband that can be unfolded to be a dress or folded over to be a skirt waistband. The top is me wearing a grey tee underneath. It would be cute, sort of bandeau style, with nothing under it, though that would take guts and big bazoombas - neither of which I have enough!
Good to have you back! Way to survive girls camp!! Loved the quote too!
Lisanne
Where in Virginia? Come up to Arlington and party with us and baby boy...that is...if he ever gets around to being born.
Yeah, you're welcome. Now you'll have to get one in every color, like me!
umm, you have cute feet. i just spent a moment coveting them.
(this is dove btw)
Post a Comment