The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Remember these boys? Did you have a crush on Patrick Swayze or Ralph Macchio (not pictured) too? All you young ones out there may not remember the movie, "The Outsiders"; it was a defining film in its day, as well as a powerful book. Teens really relate to the themes. I taught it as recently as 8 years ago to my high school students. Something about the bond of friendship, the us vs. them, the struggle that seemed bigger than the individual, the tragedy of youth burned out too early. Great movie, fabulous actors, powerful images. Now, the important question: Would you want these boys to be your son's best friends?

I ask because friendship has been on my mind a lot as of late. Let me clarify: Friendship as it pertains to my son Max. Max is in first grade and goes to a school outside of our neighborhood. He is part of a gifted magnet school, therefore the 24 other kids in his class will stay with him as a unit all through elementary until junior high. These kids come from all over the East side of Salt Lake. They are an eclectic bunch. Someone told me, when Max started this whole process, to pay attention to the different kids in the program. Her daughter had done it also, and she told me that with the "gifted" label, one also finds a lot of strange personalities. I guess it's the whole insanity/brilliance ying-yang. I'll say it: Max can be a quirky dude.

However, when Max immediately made friends with one boy in particular, let's call him "Duke", I was happy but nervous. I loved that Max seemed to have found a kindred spirit; a boy who liked the things Max did, understood his humor, and seemed devoted to him. They spent every recess together, every lunch. Early on, Max was invited to "Duke's" house to play after school. I fretted about this and considered making my mandatory phone call: "Hi, do you have guns in the house?" (I've really asked that of a parent - luckily we were good friends and she laughed me off...though I was serious...) I decided to roll with it and try to be a normal parent. Kids play, right? Going over to someone else's house whom I don't know well (I had met and talked to his mom on numerous occasions, though) doesn't mean he'll be tortured/molested/shown porn/recruited into a cult, right? I gave in and Max came home with mixed reviews. It had been fun, he said, but their yard was too small and "Duke" only had one bucket of Legos and likes the color pink. Hmmm, interesting. Nothing to raise a red flag, I felt.

A week later Duke came to play at our house. All went well until right before "Duke" left. That was when he busted out with, "Hey Max, let's go on the internet and go to You Tube." I about died! I'm sorry, I am an old-fashioned mom in a lot of ways and I think there is nothing appropriate about two six year-olds surfing You Tube. My kids are not allowed to watch any adult TV. They are restricted to Nick Jr., Disney, Noggin and our kid movies and are content as can be. They are unaware of the world of boobs, drugs, foul language and just sickness that is swirling around them - ready to engulf at the first sign of weakness. After "Duke" left, I told Max the reason I hadn't let them get on the computer. I explained that there are a lot of inappropriate things on the internet that are not for kids to see. The more we talked, Max started to open up. He told me that when he had been at "Duke's", "Duke" had offered to get his older brother's Ipod and play songs with swear words. Max, my blessed angel, said no thanks. At school, "Duke" started telling Max naughty jokes that involved swear words. When all this was reported to me, you can bet I emailed the teacher and told her my concerns. Since things were taking place in class, it is her jurisdiction and well within her right to nip bad behavior in the bud.

It is so hard not to judge people in general, but your kids' friends? Impossible not to. Friends are your world as an older child and teen. They are the voices you listen to, over almost any other, and they are the peers whose influence is most valid. I know that the friends my kids make early on will be the forces that weigh heaviest, hopefully next to parental influence, in their world. Who doesn't know someone well who was friends with the "wrong" crowd and struggled because of it? I have my core friends that I grew up with and they were a great bunch, but I also picked up some other random friends here and there who could have easily been keys to my downfall.

Now, to be honest, I also had best friends whose lives and backgrounds were different from mine and my core friends but were dear, beloved, wonderful people. In many ways, our differences brought us closer as we both gleaned things from one another's experiences. My best friend from late junior high until my early twenties was such a person and no one mattered to me more during those years. Though we went very different directions, she was a positive and loving example on me in innumerable ways. We had a symbiotic relationship and were inseparable until life just drove us to different places. I was lucky. Many stories like mine end differently, and I am well aware of that fact.

So, how do I navigate these perilous waters of encouraging certain friends and shutting out others? I am, of all things, a pro-active parent. I will go to the mattresses for my kids, even if it means embarrassing myself or them to protect them in the long haul. At 6, my son is still at the age that "You cannot be friends with that kid" is a perfectly acceptable sentence. I'm going to give "Duke" more chances, because truth is, I got a lot of chances from my friends' parents as I was the kid that broke everything in their houses, talked incessantly and loudly, and had the "questionable" father of foreign origin. We all need second chances.

But watch out, "Duke", your days are numbered. You have officially been put on the "list" of kids to watch, and there is nothing, NOTHING, more sacred to me than my kids and their futures. Bring it, D-man.